I know a lot of people who don’t believe in resolutions, but I’m a firm believer in paying attention to our lives and seeking continuous improvement. I self-evaluate because I want to live an intentional life. So twice a year I reflect on where I’ve been and where I need to be. It isn’t something I plan. I don’t get out a pad of paper and a pen and sit down and say, “Ok, let’s figure some stuff out.” But once in July and again sometime around the end of December each year, thoughts start trickling into my consciousness about the state of things in my life. And I begin to evaluate whether or not I did what I set out to do this year, and how I could improve and build upon those things in the coming year.

2015 was the year of being more direct. It was also a year of leaving the past in the past. Those were the two things I told myself I needed to work on in 2015 so I would stop repeating old patterns. The goal of “leaving the past in the past” was a conscious (and necessary) effort to stop recycling old relationships. Admittedly, I have a habit of doing that, in more than just one instance. I even married the same guy twice. So this year, I decided to trust myself a little more and have faith that if something had ended, there was a solid reason for it. Any ideals of trying to give an old friendship or relationship a facelift were just that- romanticized ideals that evolved from gaining some distance from those relationships and remembering the good times rather than the reasons why they ended. And while the ability to forgive and look back with a positive attitude are valuable tools to keep in your life toolbox, it’s almost always beneficial to leave those relationships in the past where they belong.

On being direct: This was pretty simple. I wanted to be more honest with myself and with the people in my life to avoid creating any unnecessary questions, ambiguity, or drama. In certain situations in the past, I’ve often been afraid to disappoint others, cause hurt feelings, or face a painful truth. Instead, I tended to sugar-coat or dance around things, falsely believing that whatever I wasn’t facing would just eventually smooth itself out, like a wrinkled shirt you hang up hoping the wrinkles will just fall out on their own. And sometimes this evasion tactic would work- but it was the easy way out. And as I get older and continue to realize the inherent value in both time and honesty, I find that I don’t want to waste time doing something that doesn’t feel “true” to me. So, in January I took a pledge to be up front about everything: how I feel, where my heart is, what I think, what makes me uncomfortable, what is important to me, what isn’t working, and so on.

In addition, I’m asking questions. If I want to know where I stand, I ask. If I want to make plans with someone, I ask. If I’m confused, I express the need for some clarification. If something feels wrong, I speak up. There have been a handful of situations that have challenged this resolve- situations that left me saying to myself, “I really don’t want to address this.” But that instinct to shy away from addressing something is exactly the reason you should. So, in those tough moments, reminded of my promise to myself, I would take a deep breath and, however uncomfortably, tackle things head on. And you know what? Very rarely did this result in the backlash I feared. Almost 100% of the time when I was candid with people, they expressed their appreciation of that honesty, and one person just this week said he wished more people would just be up front, that “it would make life a little easier.”

After a year of sticking to both of these resolutions, I’ve learned a lot about myself, what truly matters most, and how to have a happy life without relying on anyone else. I haven’t settled for relationships that didn’t feel sincere or intentional. I have removed myself from uncomfortable, hurtful, and fruitless situations. I have been honest with people about how I feel. I have asked questions when I needed clarity. I have asked for help when I realized I needed it. I have expressed gratitude and appreciation often, but probably not even as often as I should. I have let things go that weren’t healthy to hang onto.

So, what will 2016 be about? In addition to continuing this year’s mantras, I want to “scratch the surface” more. What does that look like exactly? I’m not sure… but I know it involves digging a little deeper with people, with situations, with my work…or whenever my instincts tell me to.

It also means letting go of the need for perfection- to not be afraid of things getting a little messy sometimes. After all, that’s part of living. And part of making a mess is learning how to clean up after yourself and leave things better than how you found them… So this year’s reflecting and resolving is meant to do just that- to leave 2015 a little better than it began, and to move into 2016 without fear of things getting a little messy, continuing to live with intention, honesty and purpose.