part of something bigger

I get restless. I think I’ve probably always been that way… Things roll along steadily for awhile, but I inevitably crave change. I’ve just never been able to pinpoint why that is exactly. Am I allergic to stability? Do I get bored easily? Hopefully not the former. Probably a little of the latter.

But today I realized maybe it’s not that I need change- maybe it’s that I need to constantly feel a sense of purpose. When I feel stagnant, it leads to boredom. And boredom leads to restlessness. And restlessness causes me to seek ways in which to change my surroundings, whether it’s move around the furniture, teach myself to like olives, or pick up the violin again after two decades – I can’t be “still” for too long. People close to me know this to be {sometimes amusingly} true. And while Busybody Annie may be endearing to some, it can be frustrating for me to feel like I’m in constant motion, endlessly searching for whatever it is that’s going to take away the restlessness. But let’s face it- moving the couch to the other side of the room isn’t going to give my life more purpose.

I know what you’re probably thinking right about now: “Why can’t you just be happy with how things are? Are you ungrateful? Look at everything you have to be thankful for.” And yes, absolutely, I have an abundance of people and circumstances in my life for which I am incredibly thankful.

But sometimes I question my purpose. Don’t you? What are we meant to accomplish in our relatively short time here? What is the best use of our time and abilities? What if we’re not contributing anything of value to the people and/or the community we should be connecting to? What if I don’t know what to do when it’s my turn? I’m reading Seth Godin’s latest book and it’s talking about exactly that. It’s handing me a lot of questions, but not necessarily answers. Those I will have to figure out for myself.

At the end of the day, it boils down to the idea of being part of something bigger. A few weeks ago I wrote a post about being born complete, but that notion doesn’t dictate that we aren’t still pieces of something larger and more meaningful. Finding purpose involves determining contribution- figuring out your own unique place in the whole– professionally, socially, and personally. Problem is, I’ve gotten too good at being autonomous. I run a business and work alone 99% of the time. I own a home and have learned how to maintain it myself. And after being divorced now for 6 years, I honestly {and somewhat sadly} have a hard time remembering what a domestic/romantic partnership is all about. I feel like for the better part of a decade, I’ve been an island in so many aspects of my life, and I deeply miss collaborating professionally, regularly being part of a team, and feeling like part of a family.

So I’m currently seeking my own “something bigger.” My purpose. My part in the whole. I’m trying to stave off the restlessness, and as patiently as possible trying to figure out what to do when it’s my turn.





2 thoughts on “part of something bigger

  1. Truth is we usually don’t know what it is or WAS until we look back on it. Then it becomes an “aha” moment. So….seek out opportunities, do the best you can with what you are handed and some time, probably without even realizing it you will have been part of something much, much bigger.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *