Birthdays can be (and in my opinion, should be) a time of introspection and reflection. Every year when July 11th draws closer, I find myself in a quiet state of musing. Call it pensiveness, call it reflecting, call it “trying to make sense of where I’ve been so I have an idea where I’m headed”…call it whatever you want. But it helps me grow when I reflect on the road in the rearview. 

Sometimes a particular impending birthday weighs heavier than others, and I’ll admit this year’s was a bit on the cumbersome side. How is it possible that I’ve been around for 40 whole years? It doesn’t make any sense– in my head I don’t feel a day over 22. No joke. And I’m not talking physically, because as we all know our bodies don’t do the same things they did at 22 (if you’re not there yet, don’t let me ruin the surprise). But in my mind, and in my soul, I feel like I am essentially the same person I was when I graduated from college, albeit with a little more life experience under my belt.

It’s in that vein that I felt compelled to jot down a list of things I’ve learned in my 40 years. No, I don’t claim to be an expert on living well, and I’m certainly not perfect; this is not by any means an exhaustive list. It’s not in any particular order of importance, but taken as a whole, it sums up some of the most impactful (and sometimes hard to learn, or even harder to practice) lessons I’ve gleaned since the golden age of disco when I came into this world. 

Be yourself

I bet most of us have tried to be like someone else at one time or another, or felt like what we had to offer wasn’t enough. But trust me, it is. There are so many things that make you unique, and that’s something to be celebrated. Be yourself and fly your own flag. And if you’re not sure who you are, spend some time figuring it out. Being authentically you is the single kindest thing you can do for yourself. 

Let people go when you need to

By now, there are a number of people who have come and gone from my life– some by chance, others by their choice, and some by mine. I miss a few terribly, but have had to accept the fact that sometimes it’s not up to me. Other times it is. Cutting people loose who consistently bring drama or toxicity to the table has sometimes been the only healthy decision I could make. And while it was almost always difficult initially, ending those relationships eventually resulted in a lot more peace and stability.

Listen to your mother

She’s been there and done that. And if she hasn’t, she knows 14 people who have. She’s had decades more practice at life than you have, she’s known you since you were a tiny little egg, and she’s earned the right to give you advice. Plus, she loves you unconditionally so she’s more likely to tell you what you need to hear, even if it’s not always what you want to hear. 

There’s a time and place for technology

I’m not saying social media is evil, but it can definitely be detrimental. For starters, it can be highly addictive, and when used obsessively can lead to a distorted sense of self worth. And while posting photos or updating your status once in awhile is a great way to let others know what you’re up to, snapping incessantly or checking feeds on the hour every hour doesn’t make you more popular. It’s annoying and disrespectful to the people around you, and makes you miss out on actual experiences. When you’re driving, attending a social event, or spending time with other humans, for goodness sake, put the phone down. 

Find someone who makes you laugh

I waited a long time to meet the one person who makes me laugh harder than I ever have, and if I had to do it all again, I’d wait just as long. Nothing can replace the way it feels to know I get to grow old with my best friend, and that long after our looks fade, we’ll still be able to laugh at all the same stupid things. Finding someone who shares my sense of humor and keeps me from taking myself too seriously is a game-changer. As the mantra in our household goes, “If you can’t have fun, what’s the point?”

Balance is key

When it comes to pretty much everything, find balance. Whether it’s food, drink, exercise, work-life balance, technology usage, or a passion for rare stamp collecting– practice everything in moderation. Balance ultimately prevents burn-out and leads to an overall sense of health, well-being and fulfillment. 

Forgive yourself

We’ve all made mistakes, some monumental, others trivial. If you’ve done all you can to make things right, please forgive yourself. I truly believe that in any given situation, most of us do the best we can with what we have to work with at the time. It’s easy to look back and say we should have done things differently, knowing what we know now. But that’s not how life works. So be gentle with yourself. Life is a process and there’s a pretty big learning curve. 

Grudges make things worse

Forgiving yourself is excellent practice for forgiving others. I’m not saying “be a doormat,” but I’m also not saying that you’re always right either. No one is. People get upset. People disagree. People say things they don’t mean. But holding a grudge is the opposite of communicating. Go back and read that part again. If you’re mad about something, don’t give someone the silent treatment, lash out, or be nasty– instead, talk to the person and express how you feel; if that doesn’t work, just leave it alone. But I’ve literally never witnessed a situation where being stubborn or holding a grudge actually made things better. Ever. 

Find beauty in simple things

Whether it’s driving with the windows down, cutting into the perfect avocado, or seeing your kid smile, don’t overlook the many, many beautiful things that surround you every day. There is beauty everywhere. Pay attention to it.

Stay open

Stay open: to other viewpoints, to possibilities, to criticism, to someone who needs you. Keep your eyes and ears open, along with your mind. 

You don’t always know the whole story (so don’t be so judgy)

This is hard to learn and even harder to practice. I, for one, have a tendency to make a lot of snap decisions about situations I come across. It’s a very nasty habit, and it takes a conscious effort to stop and back up a step or two, rather than rushing to judgment. Despite how something may look, there is always the possibility that there is more to the story, which may completely change everything. Slow down, don’t be so critical, and remind yourself you don’t know everything; when in doubt, err on the side of kindness and compassion. 

Appreciate differences

There are billions of people in the world, and honestly the vast majority of them are nothing like you. Celebrate and learn from those differences. While one person may never know what it’s like to have running water, the next might develop a cure for a rare disease, and another sets an all-time 100-meter dash record. Every single person is different. Open your eyes and talk to people who aren’t like you. Learn something. Pass it on. Repeat. 

Don’t set an alarm

If at all possible, go to bed when you’re tired and let your body wake up when it’s ready. I realize this isn’t practical for a lot of people, but if you can, do it. You’ll never look back. I didn’t realize my body was capable of waking up at a consistent time without an alarm until I started letting it. I now find myself getting tired usually between 10-11 and waking up around 6:15, and I typically have a lot more energy throughout the day because I’m not abruptly and consistently interrupting my natural sleep cycle.

Listen to your body

If you’re tired, sleep. If you’re ready to get up, get up. If you’re achy and sore, either take a day off from the gym, or watch for signs of illness/injury and get it checked out. If your stomach is telling you “no more,” stop eating. If it’s really protesting, pay attention to what you just ate. It took me 35 years to realize onions absolutely destroy me; now I avoid them, and what I thought was chronic GI discomfort is completely gone. Your body is an amazing machine, equipped with all the signals it needs to communicate–listen to it. 

Be there

Be present. Be attentive. Be a good friend. Whatever it is that matters most, just be there. 

Read often

I don’t remember exactly when it was last that I wasn’t reading a book, but it was probably sometime before I downloaded the Overdrive app and added my two library cards. Now I constantly have at least 3-4 free books on my virtual bookshelf. Reading is an escape for me; it’s my therapeutic down time, and it’s a great way to kill an hour on the elliptical. Most of all, it keeps my mind sharp and exposes me to different ideas, places, characters, professions, words, and cultures.

Don’t forget to floss

If you don’t floss regularly, trust me, you won’t like it when you start. It’s uncomfortable, it makes you bleed, and it usually leaves you with puffy gums for 24 hours. Ironically, you have to start flossing in order to make all that awful stuff go away, but believe me when I say you really, really need to. Gum health is related to overall health; do you really want a hotbed of bacteria in there, slowly eating away at your teeth and causing bad breath? I didn’t think so. Who likes gum disease, cavities, and bad breath? No one. 

It’s (almost) never too late

Unless you’re trying to join the FBI (which has a cutoff age of 37 at appointment), go ahead and do that thing you’ve been meaning to do. Life is too short to have regrets. Whether it’s climbing Everest, apologizing to someone you hurt, finding the love of your life, getting your motorcycle license, or reinventing yourself in a new career, there are very few things it’s actually too late to do. Take the first step: ask yourself what you’d do if you could do it all over again, and start there. 

Be flexible

Things rarely go as planned. The sooner you realize this and stop taking it personally when life disappoints you, the happier you’ll be. Most things turn out all right, even if there are unexpected twists and turns, and being rigid or inflexible only adds unnecessary stress and drama. Although a few lucky people are born with a breezy disposition, being able to roll with the punches is an acquired skill for most, but well worth the effort (and the positive effects it’ll have on your blood pressure). 

Don’t expect perfection

As a child, I put somewhat OCD-ish (and unrealistic) expectations on myself. Whether it was trying to keep the peace by being perfect, or the competitive streak I had with my older brother, somehow by age 10 I was a withering perfectionist. I got straight A’s, kept my room tidy, and prepared my breakfast cereal the night before (no kidding, this happened…complete with putting my vitamin in the spoon and covering the bowl with plastic wrap). Unfortunately, trying so hard to achieve perfection and/or expecting it from others can lead to a whole lot of disappointment when it doesn’t happen…which is most of the time. No one is perfect. Which, I’ve finally learned, is actually a wonderful thing. 

Get rid of excess baggage

Clean out your closets, ditch the junk drawer, and whatever you do, don’t hang onto anything that makes you less than happy. This includes trinkets, activities, relationships, jobs, and other responsibilities that are weighing you down unnecessarily. It’s hard to focus on what makes you happy when there’s a lot of other stuff clouding your vision. While you certainly have a degree of responsibility you can’t unload, there are still almost always ways to trim the fat. This involves not just weeding out physical belongings, but also learning to say no. Start asking yourself if this (object, task, commitment, fill in the blank, etc.) brings you joy, serves a purpose, or adds value to your life. If the answer is no, let it go. 

Help your kids be independent

As a parent of a 13-year old, I’ve asked myself the same question over the years, “How can I do the best job possible raising this kid?” At first I thought, “I just want him to be happy. If he’s happy, that means I’m doing a good job.” I no longer believe that. Sometimes “happy” kids are just the overly-spoiled product of a helicopter parent. In fact, it’s vital that kids get to experience a range of emotions other than happiness, in order to fully develop emotional maturity. So, I asked myself the question again. Which is where Maslow’s hierarchy of needs comes in, including the final level: self actualization. Once we’ve gotten the basics down–food, shelter, security–I really think the single best thing we can do for our kids is to give them the tools they need to become independent, compassionate, productive, self-actualized adults. 

Ask the hard questions

There are two truths here: 1) you aren’t born with all the answers and 2) you cannot go through life with blinders on regarding the things you don’t (but should) know. Yes, this involves pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone. If you need clarification in order to perform a work-related task, don’t guess, ask for an assist. If someone you love is going through a hard time, ask how you can best be there for them. If you hit someone’s car in the grocery parking lot, go inside and have them make an announcement. If you need to know the truth, ask the hard question, even if you might not like the answer. Ignorance is not bliss.  

Be direct

I spent 2015 being more direct, and that one New Year’s resolution changed my life. I wanted to stop making excuses and dancing around half-truths, opting instead to be more candid about my feelings. I had to push myself at first to follow through and actually say things like, I’m sorry, I just don’t think we have a connection, or, You know, my feelings were really hurt by what you said, or even just admitting I feel like staying home and not being social tonight, but thanks for the invitation. It completely changed how I interact with people, how I respond to invitations, and it’s ultimately how I met my husband. I didn’t waste time going on a lot of dates with the wrong guys, and instead learned to be frank when there wasn’t a spark– and several people actually thanked me for not wasting their time. Learning to say how you feel instead of uttering platitudes in order to not disappoint people is a huge step in being more honest with yourself, and keeps the lines of communication open. 

Don’t be afraid to look dumb

I’m still working on this one. I come from a long line of people who really, really hate looking stupid in front of other people. I think this also goes hand in hand with being a perfectionist. When you expect perfection from yourself, you don’t take risks that could result in anything less. I am not the girl who puts her hand up when they ask for volunteers from the audience; I’m slow to get out on the dance floor at weddings; I don’t like admitting if I don’t know what other people are talking about; and I’m intensely uncomfortable anytime I feel like other people are staring at me. This all boils down to being afraid to look stupid. But, why? I need to keep asking myself that age-old rhetorical question, “What’s the worst that could happen?” It’s OK to take risks, admit you don’t know something, or get up in front of people and be vulnerable for a bit. In fact, you might learn something new and actually enjoy yourself if you let your guard down and stop worrying about looking silly. 

Put your feet in the grass

Go outside. Right now. The sky is cloudless and blue, the sun is shining, and it’s a balmy 72 degrees. Nature has an inexplicable effect on me; it feels like a gravitational pull on my soul. I am 100% happiest with my feet in the grass, my hands in the dirt, or my face turned toward the sun. Breathing fresh air, touching the leaves of a plant, sitting by the water, or even just feeling the sun on my skin somehow relaxes me in a way nothing else can, and reminds me that I’m one small organism, one life that’s part of something bigger.

Eat better food

In this day and age, there is no excuse not to eat better meats, fresher vegetables, and fewer (if any) pre-packaged foods. With the explosion of farmers’ markets, fresh home delivery programs, and a boatload of research showing how absolutely toxic processed foods are for us, it’s easier than ever to make sure we’re putting nutrient-dense foods into our bodies. Plus, there’s inherent joy in preparing a meal with your own hands, seeing what goes into it, and enjoying every bite, knowing you’re nourishing your body all while supporting independent farmers, reputable growing practices, and the humane treatment of animals.  

It’s ok to just be still

Slow down. Take in the moment. Breathe. 

Common courtesy is a must

You’re never too busy to forget your manners. Hold the door, make requests not demands, say bless you when someone sneezes, give up your seat to someone who needs it more than you do, write a thank you note, and don’t blast loud music late at night. Wait your turn in line, give the courtesy wave when another driver lets you in, and by all means, don’t expect anyone else to clean up your mess. Be gracious; be self-aware. 

Apologize

No, it’s not always someone else’s fault. Know when it’s your turn. We are all human, we all make mistakes. Some are large missteps, some inconsequential, but step up and say you’re sorry when it’s your turn. And make sure you mean what you say; a sincere apology goes a long way. 

Tread softly with other people’s pain

It can be hard to truly understand what another person is going through, especially if it’s unfamiliar territory. But whether it’s illness, infidelity, grief or loss, be sensitive to their very real pain and tread carefully. Don’t rush in with guns blazing, trying to fix things or casting aspersions. Be gentle. Be kind. Be a shoulder for their burden.

Indulge sometimes

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that moderation is key. I’ve learned over the past dozen or so years to live fairly slim. Starting a business at 26 and getting divorced at 28 wasn’t exactly a recipe for financial security, so I quickly determined what I could do without. I cut out cable tv, ate out less, moved into a smaller house, worked longer hours at the shop, and didn’t really take vacations. And over time, those small adjustments have grown into a comfortable security. I still live pretty simply, but now allow myself to indulge here and there, which makes me appreciate those indulgences even more, and gives me the added satisfaction of feeling like I’ve earned it.  

Most worries are unsubstantiated

I am a worry wart. I come by it naturally, but it has historically (and repeatedly) infringed upon my ability to be truly happy; and a lot of those times, I was fretting about something that existed entirely in my mind. I’ve spent countless hours twisted up about something that was based solely on fear. It’s emotionally depleting, and can end up negatively impacting self-esteem and even relationships. Remind yourself that most of the things you worry about will never come to pass, and you’ll have wasted all that time and emotional fuel on something that doesn’t exist. Don’t let fear control you.

Explore the world

It’s a big ol’ world out there. We are blessed to live in a giant ecosystem of cultures, people, landscapes, architecture, sights, smells, and cuisines… if you don’t get out and explore the world, you’re missing out on countless new experiences, conversations, adventures, and memories. Stretch your limits, expand, learn, and explore. 

Feel the feels

No matter what you’re going through, don’t try to talk yourself out of feeling the way you feel. The good feels, the bad feels…live through them. Experience each one fully, turning it this way and that; go through those feelings, not around them. The only way to get through something is, well, through it. If we don’t allow ourselves to feel however we feel, whether it’s exuberance or grief, we can never fully move forward with peace and acceptance, knowing we experienced each to the fullest and let it run its natural course. Embrace the joyous feels, and soak in every delicious moment. But embrace the grief too, and pay attention to what it teaches you, and how it heals you in its own time.

You’re tougher than you think

There have been several times when I’ve literally cried out, “How much more of this can I take?” hoping an answer would come, or that magically things would get easier. Life bends us, teaches us, hurts us, and tries us. Through it all, it makes us stronger. I know I’m not alone in this; at times, we all get knocked down, but eventually we get back up again, stronger and better equipped than ever. You’re stronger than you think you are; you can handle a lot more than you think you can. Remember that.

Do some good

Look outside yourself. Days, weeks, and months fly by the older I get. And as the years pass by at lightning speed, I try to make sure I set aside some time for others who are less fortunate, knowing that each of us is capable of making even a small difference to someone who needs it. This life is bigger than you. It’s bigger than your family. It’s a neighborhood, a village, a community, a society, a world. It’s not all about you; we’re all in this together.

Explore music

One of the only monthly subscriptions I’ve hung onto over the years, because it adds value and happiness to my days, is my Spotify account. No matter what mood I’m in, there’s a song or a playlist for it. Jason Mraz if I’m sitting in the sun. Frank Sinatra or Mumford if I’m cooking dinner with Paul. Random indie playlists if I’m mowing the grass or cleaning. Ingrid when I’m working. Any number of things if I’m at the gym. And there are times I just enjoy the quiet. But I’ve found that when I’m feeling lost, or need a little boost, music pulls me back to myself in no time. It’s relaxing, empowering, motivating, and connecting. Music speaks in a language of its own.  

Tell people when they matter to you

I’ve tried really hard not to beat anyone over the head with “life is short” advice in this post, but I’m sorry, this is one place I have to say it: Life is short. You do NOT get a mulligan. You will miss the chance with some people to tell them how you feel. So say the words, and say them often. Make sure the ones you love never doubt it for a second. 

Know when to stop talking

What an appropriate way to end this 4000 word post (geez, what a bag of wind!). There will be times when you’ve made your point, put your foot in your mouth, or have simply said enough and just need to shut it. This is one of those times. Thanks for listening. 🙂