Lately an unwelcome feeling has crept in and made itself at home–a sort of internal heaviness. It’s been quietly and persistently dragging me down, and has finally nudged me to explore where it’s coming from and why it won’t leave me alone. I’m not going to lie–it’s been a struggle. Even scratching the surface causes me to choke up and I have had to fight the urge to shove it all back down deep and ignore it. Keeping the wall up is easier than giving it a voice.
I think I’m pretty decent at helping other people navigate their feelings; I’ve even been told on occasion that I give good advice, that I ask the “hard” questions. One of the trickiest things to do though is dissect your own feelings. To step back and really get a clear view. Take everything apart, layer by layer. Go deep. Acknowledge what’s lurking beneath. You may not even realize the depth of what’s there until you order a breakfast sandwich at a coffee drive-thru and burst into tears when you find out they’re all sold out for the day. That’s when you know you might have some shit to deal with.
But the prospect of examining it, really digging in, is daunting. The heavy feeling is a beast. I prefer to leave it alone most days. It’s slightly more comfortable that way.
What does this have to do with feet– let’s talk about that for a second. At times, random song lyrics pop into my head without warning. This morning it was be where your feet are. Whenever phrases hit me out of the blue, I try to pay attention because I feel like my subconscious is smarter than my conscious mind. It knows things and tries to tell me in weird ways, so I listen. (The other night I dreamt that a yellow snake bit my right hand. Some fairly simple dream analysis courtesy of Google made sense of a situation in my waking life that I hadn’t been fully aware of until my sleeping mind pointed it out in the form of a snake bite. See, I’m smarter when I’m asleep. Anyway, back to feet.)
What (I think) I’ve figured out is that this heavy feeling stems from failing to “be where my feet are.” Instead of being present, I’m questioning past decisions that have led me to where I am, and simultaneously struggling to shake the angsty feeling I get when I think about future uncertainties. I get bored when things stay the same for too long, yet ironically I don’t handle transitions well. I suck at being in limbo. Hell, it’s even possible that what I consider “being in limbo” is really just life. Regardless, I have a lot of energy tied up in situations that have either already happened or are yet to come. By existing in that head space, I’m pretty sure I’m robbing myself of just BEING, and the contentment that can come from simply that. So, I’m trying to get better at living in the “in-betweens,” maybe even embracing them.
We’re all human. We feel things. We think about our futures; we agonize over and attempt to learn from our pasts. However, there’s very little point to grieving things that haven’t happened yet, or questioning why certain things happened the way they did long after the fact. Doing that isn’t fair to anyone, most of all ourselves.
Yes, some days it’s extremely difficult to switch off those thoughts. It would be nice if we could just put our emotions in a box and stick them on a shelf when we don’t like how they’re looking at us. But you and I both know that’s not a long-term solution.
Instead, be aware that there might be something heavy lurking in there that needs your attention. Then do what you need to do to gently unpack it. Write about it, talk about it, turn it over and over, like a stone that shows different colors when tilted in the light. Don’t rush it if it doesn’t feel right. Go slowly through it. Look at it curiously, from different angles. But don’t ignore it. It’s only when we acknowledge what is preventing us from living in the now, that we’ll be able to get back to being there. Fully.
Unpack the heavy. Then allow the potential to be content with today. There is beauty all around us, in the in-betweens, we just have to be present enough to see it and kind enough to ourselves to allow it to exist. Pay attention to the moment you exist in right now…be where your feet are. And maybe when song lyrics pop into your head, listen.
