There is a poignant greeting card from Curly Girl Design that says “It is without question our duty to honor the love of every human heart as we would our very own.” I once had a woman stop by my shop and buy this particular card to send to a friend’s adult son who had been particularly hurtful to his mother (who was a dear friend of hers). She was hurting for her friend and felt it was her duty to gently suggest to the son that he be kinder to his mother…and she believed the best way to do this was through writing. I couldn’t agree more.

I’ve personally found myself in situations where I’ve opened my mouth and said things, only to wish I could reach out and grab the words out of the air, stuffing them back in again, sometimes because they were hurtful and sometimes because they didn’t accurately convey what I really meant, or what I deeply felt–and by blurting out my feelings without really thinking through them, it ultimately ended up making things worse or more complicated than they needed to be.

Maybe you’ve been there before–in a discussion with someone you care about–and you’re feeling frustrated, sad, angry, and like no matter what you say, things just keep getting messier and more intense. Stuck in a communication vortex, spinning in circles around each other, is one of the worst places to be. Ultimately, you just wait for the dizziness to stop so you can surface, regroup, and take emotional inventory of the damage.

Effective communication requires us to not just be articulate, but also empathetic, sincere, and patient. I’ve found one of the most effective ways to communicate is to put my thoughts down on paper first. The simple act of writing them down, and being patient with myself in the process, can be clarifying. Sometimes I write to myself; sometimes I write to others. Even if I don’t share my thoughts with anyone else, the act of writing them down is therapeutic. It gives me a more linear view of my own feelings, which helps me understand them better, and allows me to take ownership of certain inner truths in ways that spoken communication–particularly in the heat of the moment– sometimes isn’t able to.

Writing allows us certain graces that blurting out whatever comes to mind cannot. Think of it as an insurance policy. Through writing we get to self-edit. We get to save our thoughts and come back to them later, editing, re-reading, crossing out things we don’t mean, and cultivating our words until they’re just right. Writing gives us total control over when, how, and what we communicate to others, so we can ensure that our words are true to our thoughts and will hopefully result in the outcome we’re aiming for, with as little fallout as possible.

So who do you need to write to today? What do you need to say? Think about it, write it down, and let it marinate for a little while…then decide if sharing them serves a larger purpose, or if they’re yours alone.