I decided in January to start being more direct. Call it a New Year’s resolution, call it a challenge to myself, call it whatever you want. I had reached the tipping point with relational guesswork. I was tired of “skirting the issue” or wondering about things in relationships, when I could have saved myself a lot of headache (heartache) had both parties just been forthcoming from the start: I tell you what I’m all about and you tell me what you’re all about; we offer up our own issues, lay it all out there, and let the chips fall where they may. If it works, fantastic- at least this way we all know what we’re getting into, with our eyes wide open. And to be honest-even when it’s not easy- is the best way to show respect for another person.

You see, there’s something invaluable about laying it all out there with someone and facing our own truths.  So often we answer questions in ways that make us more comfortable, or in ways that keep us “safe”- whether it’s safely entangled in a semi-honest relationship, or safe from scrutiny or judgment, or safe from our own feelings of self doubt- we are inclined toward sharing shiny half-truths while convincing ourselves that we are still being “honest.” Or we don’t ask questions because we are afraid to hear the answers. It’s not easy to be transparent and open with people, especially if you’re used to telling a version of the truth that makes you feel more comfortable and safe. But believe me- the value in being open is immeasurable.

So, here’s what I’ve learned (part two):

If you need something in a relationship, express it. If they can’t give it to you, don’t hold it against them but don’t hold on either.

If you know your limitations, state them.

If you have a question- ask it.

If someone asks YOU a question, answer it. And answer honestly.

Listen to your instincts- your gut rarely lies.

If you don’t feel ready for something, don’t rush it.

If you see a red flag, pay attention to it.

If you can’t give someone what they need, tell them so they can decide what to do next.

Don’t hide from your past. Learn from it.

If someone is unhealthy for you, cut them off. Take care of YOU.

Trust people who have earned the right to be trusted.

It’s ok to invest in people emotionally- but be choosy about who you invest in.

Even when you’re honest with others, sometimes people still lie.