I read an interesting critique of happiness lately that was centered around the idea that people erroneously chase down happiness when what they should really be seeking is wholeness. I have given this some pretty serious thought and I agree somewhat, but I’ve also come to the conclusion that these two things are so closely related they’re nearly inseparable. At least in the sense that I believe when we feel truly “whole,” happiness naturally follows.

As thinking, feeling beings, we go out into the world, seeking external things that give us pleasure. We do this with nearly everything that occupies our days: our careers, the people we surround ourselves with, the things we spend money on, the food and drink we enjoy, the activities that consume our free time. Think about it: everything we intentionally bring into our lives is designed to bring us joy in one form or another, whether it’s a new tv or a person we’re enjoying getting to know (let me be clear- I don’t think a tv can bring happiness, per se, but it’s an example that works for my purposes here, and it might encourage other past-times that do add value to our lives, i.e. inviting friends over to watch a movie together).

But whether it’s a tv or a new person or relationship, the goal is the same: we want to feel happier than we were before, and we think that by finding the missing piece, we might finally achieve emotional nirvana. But this is where the concept of wholeness sneaks into the conversation. I have found in my own past that the new people who have come into it were typically representative of “something that was missing”…they were people who bore traits that I either consciously or subconsciously had been lacking in my own life. I’m going to hazard a guess that this is pretty common practice for a lot of us- we seek what is missing. It’s a behavior so deeply ingrained that it goes back to birth. We were hungry, we sought food. We were cold, we sought heat. We were lonely, we sought comfort. These are all basic needs. And as adults, we still do this, albeit in more complex ways. We are somewhat preprogrammed to think that we need to fill the void in order to find happiness: seek out what is missing, then you’ll feel complete. You’ll feel whole. But there’s something seriously wrong with that line of thinking.

When something is missing in your life and you rely on others or external stimuli to fill the void, you fail to develop the ability to self-soothe… and you fail to achieve wholeness all on your own. When you constantly feel as though “something’s missing” it’s pretty damn difficult to feel completely happy. So the question is: how do you find wholeness on your own instead of chasing down whatever thing, person, distraction (fill in the blank) you think will provide the happiness you seek?

Here’s how: you pay attention to you. And more importantly- this is a tricky one- you refuse to allow your self worth to come from external sources. You spend time with yourself, getting to know whatever speaks to your soul and gives you that internal peace that comes from doing something good for yourself, whether it’s eating better, sleeping more, getting out and exploring the world, crossing things off your to-do list, picking up your camera and shooting anything you see, listening to or playing music- honestly, whatever it is that inspires you- you have to spend time doing those things for and with yourself. And you really have to pay attention: you have to listen to how certain things make you feel. You’ll notice after awhile that you’re able to find those little wandering good feelings without relying on anyone or anything else to supply them for you. And you’ll start to feel more whole than you were before, which naturally suppresses the urge to fill the void with external stuff.

See, once you feel whole all on your own, you realize that everything that comes into your life- invited or not- is either something you can easily dismiss if it doesn’t add value, or is something or someone you welcome in just because they add to the happiness that was already there. In addition, when someone isn’t filling a void in your life to begin with, if and when they move on, they lack the power to deplete your happiness- because you were whole to begin with. Yes, it’s painful to lose someone you care about. It always will be. But having a baseline happiness level that is built on self worth makes it more palatable when you have to say goodbye to someone. With a full heart, you’ll be able to pay tribute to what they added to your life, and then pick yourself up and move on with more ease and grace. And there is tremendous strength and empowerment in being able to do that, which continues to fuel your belief that you’re just fine, exactly as you are, in the space you’ve created for yourself.

All of our experiences add to who we are and who we become. Our lives consist of a sequence of moments that make up the continuous evolution of self. And the people who come in and out of our lives add to the richness of it, teaching us something in the process.

We learn from these experiences and relationships, gathering memories and lessons that allow us to continue the conversation with ourselves about what makes us whole. And as we grow inside these moments, we become fuller individuals with greater capacity for lasting happiness.

Jason Mraz says it best in “Three Things”: