A little over a month ago, my cat Maverick got really sick, and for the second time in his not-quite five years, he needed emergency surgery to remove a bowel obstruction. Mav suffers from Pica, a disorder that causes him to think objects are food that actually aren’t. His favorite is fabric, but he will literally eat anything he finds on the ground that he can get in his mouth.
Three years ago, our vet removed a ball of bedsheet from his intestine that measured over 3″ in diameter. So, what did we do? We thanked our lucky stars that our vet was able to save him, and promptly vowed to stop using flat sheets and never leave clothes, blankets (or really anything) laying around that might entice Maverick to go looking for a snack.
This time around it turned out to be a candy wrapper someone had unknowingly dropped on the floor. And while over the years, despite keeping a meticulously tidy home, we have discovered more things Mav has taken a bite of than we can count, fortunately most of those things pass through his system just fine.
Maverick is a special guy…he is a gentle giant, my shadow when I’m home, and loyal to a fault. Which is why when he wasn’t constantly under foot, I knew something was up. Since it was a Saturday and our vet wasn’t in the office, we were at the mercy of the 24-hour emergency vets, who ran a bunch of tests and advised us to “wait and see.”
It wasn’t too long before Maverick started hiding. He knew instinctively there was something terribly wrong; he felt vulnerable. He probably thought he was dying. And he hid under anything he could squeeze under. Why? To protect himself.
As humans, we do the same thing. Or at least I do. I don’t know how most of you react to sadness or grief, but I have an extremely hard time processing my emotions publicly, or sharing them with others (even my family). I don’t even like to tear up watching a sad movie if there are other people around. I have an overwhelming need to be alone with my feelings. To hide myself away from everyone. To protect myself.
Why do we hide? I’ve thought about this a lot as I’ve gone through a few situations involving grief and loss recently– the fear of losing Maverick; processing some other serious family health issues; and most recently, the death of my grandma, who helped raise me. At times I have felt completely numb, like I’m just going through the motions and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Other times I have completely broken down (usually in my car). And it’s in those times that I appreciate the solitude, and more than that, I feel the overwhelming need to be alone. To get away from everything.
I isolate myself at times because it feels safer that way. Maybe I’m trying to insulate others from experiencing what I’m feeling. Or maybe deep down it’s simply harder for me to let it all out, to feel everything completely– authentically–if other people are around to witness it.
Vulnerability is not comfortable. And I associate openly feeling sad with being exposed or vulnerable. But as I prefer to sit with my grief in solitude, I know other people seek comfort in times of sorrow and loss, and I wonder why I am programmed differently in this way. Is one reaction healthier than another? Is it better to process sadness alone or lean on someone we love for support and comfort? And is it even possible to change how we respond to certain emotions at a base level, especially when we’ve been doing it a certain way our whole lives?
So. Why do we hide? Our instinct as animals is to protect ourselves from vulnerability and harm. Maybe the real question is How do we redefine what makes us feel vulnerable in the first place?
