red wine in a glass next to tree bark candles

ashes and wine

I borrowed the title of this one from A Fine Frenzy, a band who has been completely inspirational to me lately. So many beautiful thoughts come across in her words, so many musings that I relate to my own life. The music inspires me, and when inspiration comes around these days I welcome her in with open arms. My wheels have been spinning a bit lately and I haven’t taken the time to sit and muse. So here we are…to get us started, Ashes and Wine:

“Don’t know what to do anymore
I’ve lost the only love worth fighting for
And I’ll drown in my tears, don’t men see…
and that would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same… I don’t want mud slingin’ games
It’s just a shame to let you walk away
Is there a chance
a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel
a reason to fight
Is there a chance
you may change your mind….
or are we ashes and wine?

Don’t know if our fate’s already sealed
this day’s a spinning circus on a wheel
And I’m ill with the thought of your kiss
coffee laced intoxicating on her lips
Shut it out…I’ve got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down

No…Is there a chance
a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel
a reason to fight
Is there a chance you may change your mind
…or are we ashes and wine?

And I’ll tear myself away if that is what you need
There is nothing left to say…but…is there a chance
a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel
a reason a fight?

Is there a chance you may change your mind
….or are we ashes and wine…”

Tonight I started thinking about how so many people I know and care about are suffering from closed hearts. This blog is for all of us who have love to give, but who are broken. We want to love. We want to be loved. And yet we don’t let it in. Maybe it’s not possible to really find true happiness in love; perhaps we’ve never experienced it, or maybe we’ve been let down again and again by a bizarre form of it masquerading as love. So we just don’t believe.

Maybe love has come around, briefly stayed, dangled a carrot, and left as fleetingly as it arrived….or maybe it knocked us down in one devestating blow, and left us bruised and disbelieving. It’s shaken our faith. And now we have let go of the once-held belief that it might be out there-the love that could fill our hearts, open our hearts- that it’s out there, just waiting… Waiting for the right person to break down the defenses, or the right moment of vulnerability that forces us to stop keeping love at arm’s length. And we are embittered by our fear that it doesn’t exist. Hardened. And we close ourselves up even more because it’s safer that way. Love won’t come if we don’t let it in.

What would happen if someone got close enough to make us question everything we thought we knew about love? What if we decided for a minute to tentatively dip our toe into the water, and see what it feels like to trust another person- just a little bit- with ourselves, our being. Trust that person to not criticize. Trust them to not judge. Trust someone to love us purely and simply because of who we are. Trust them a little bit with our hearts…and begin to let them in. Let them take away the hurt and the emptiness. Let them take away the bitterness and leave cautious optimism in its place. Leave a small light glowing, slowly challenging the belief that these warm fuzzy feelings might be a trick.

But it’s a slow and unsteady road, and so many parts of our very fiber scream not to open up and let it in. The piece of the soul that protects the heart tells us it’s not safe…”don’t let it in,” it breathes….”don’t let it get close enough to hurt you.” But what happens if we start to let it in? We may begin to heal…slowly, over time…knocking down defenses along the way. Slowly, tentatively at first. And it’s scary and heartbreaking. But with vulnerability comes real healing…

Near to You, by A Fine Frenzy:

“He and I had something beautiful
but so dysfunctional
it couldn’t last

Loved him so, but I let him go
’cause I knew he’d never love me back
Such pain as this shouldn’t have to be experienced
I’m still reeling from the loss, still a little bit delirious

Near to you I am healing but it’s taking so long
though he’s gone and you are wonderful
it’s hard to move on
Yet….I’m better near to you

You and I have something different
and I’m enjoying it cautiously
I’m battle scarred and I am workin’ oh so hard
to get back to who I used to be

He’s disappearing, fading steadily
I’m so close to being yours
won’t you stay with me…please

Near to you I am healing but it’s taking so long
though he’s gone and you are wonderful
it’s hard to move on
Yet… I’m better near to you, yeah I’m better near to you…

I only know that I am better where you are
I only know that I am better where you are
I only know that I belong where you are

Near to you I am healing but it’s taking so long
though he’s gone and you are wonderful
it’s hard to move on

Near to you I am healing but it’s taking so long
though he’s gone and you are wonderful
it’s hard to move on
Yet, I’m better near to you….yeah….I’m better near to you.”

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