writing in a journal up close

back to basics

The inspiration for this post comes from a comment I received on an earlier blog… a comment that arrived at precisely the most serendipitous time. Today is a day for searching my inner quiet mind-not the monkey mind that takes over so often, the mind that chatters and analyzes, kicking and biting its way to the surface, demanding to be heard. Today I remembered that there is a quieter voice inside, and that voice has gently been trying to speak, patiently waiting for the rest of me to catch up and become ready to listen.

We all have the power to change our lives for the better, but we have to make the choice to listen to our insides. The beauty of being part of the world, part of all living things that are connected, and part of the animal kingdom is that we are born with instincts. But for them to be any good, we have to listen to them. And above all, we have to trust that what they are telling us is accurate.

I’m feeling used right now. I’m feeling like at times the life is being sucked out of me, and that people are taking everything they possibly can from me, disregarding the wreckage it leaves behind. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the means to an end. I’m tired of feeling like what I need is secondary. And I’m tired of giving and giving giving…and not receiving that kind of care and consideration back. At what point do I stop this cycle?

I’ve listened to my gut, I’ve listened to my instincts, and I know what they are telling me is true. But now the question remains…how do I take action with this knowledge? I know that should be simple- if the answer is right in front of me, how hard is it to just put it in motion? But it’s not that simple. Because while I know what not to do, I don’t know what to do. It’s not simple. There is no clear cut solution that doesn’t hurt anyone. So I’m stuck here in this place, in this situation that I helped create….all because I didn’t listen to my instincts along the way. So now what?

I need to find my way back to basics…to stumble back into what matters most. But how to get back to that place where things feel whole again, and life feels like I’m surrounding myself with what matters most- that’s the challenge. Along this road I have lost a piece of myself…and only time will tell if I can get it back. But I’m sure going to try.

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