chewing it over

What do I do with anxiety? I stop eating. I can’t help it. I know it’s terrible and it probably just makes everything feel worse because I add the physical discomfort to the emotional stress and I’m left with a big old mess. But for some reason the anxiety takes away any desire whatsoever to feed the rest of me because my brain is working overtime. My “dear ever-so-sweet brain” as it’s been known as recently….I have to admit I’m not thinking of it so fondly myself these days. That brain has become a legitimate pain in the ass. I have ass brain.

 So apart from not eating, how do I handle anxiety? I talk. I feel compelled to discuss whatever it is, ad nauseaum, until it feels better. The funny thing is that when it DOES finally feel better, it’s a very sudden switch- I’ll be talking about things, and then suddenly at any given unpredictable second, everything is fine again. I really want to find that second. Sooner rather than later.
What’s causing this particular breed of anxiety? Seems to be a mixture of things…vulnerability, relationship drama, things not quite clicking into place the way they should, you know- the usual suspects. At times today while I’ve been trying to sort through everything, I’ve felt like just throwing in the proverbial towel. Part of me thinks that is an excellent idea, full of some major potential for self-preservation. The other part of me thinks it’s stupid. Which is why I’m sitting here. Arguing with myself via blog. Sigh.
 So, what do I do with this kind of anxiety? That’s a great question. Be alone for a while? Maybe. Blog? Definitely. Get a bunch of cats? Probably not. Anxiety is related to trust, which is related to faith. And as you know, I struggle with those pesky things from time to time because they haven’t tended to be too reliable. Trust and faith hang delicately in the balance of every decision we make and every relationship we find ourselves in. If I had to break it down, I’d say faith comes from a) believing that things happen the way they are supposed to, and b) the cessation of fear. But until you get to Point B (Faith), you’re kind of stuck at Point A (Anxiety) or some middle-of-nowhere roadstop between the two. So, how do I eventually swallow the anxiety? By chewing it over…and over and over…until something makes more sense. Until it becomes more palatable.

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