All right- I started this post about a month ago, and when I reread it I realized that it was quite the Debbie Downer Post and didn’t exactly express what it was meant to…so I’m going to try to rework it so it more accurately reflects what is (and has been) going through my heart of late.
So, that being said, have I been lonely lately? Yes. Is it because I’m just looking for something/someone to fill the time? No. The thing is, I’ve learned somewhat recently what it is I am actually “looking for” (for lack of a better term, but give me a minute and I’ll try to muster up a more eloquent description, just sit tight…). So I’m going to use this post to try to put into actual words that mysterious “it” that I do believe exists out there- the thing that I know when I find it will add just the perfect amount of “ahhhh” to my every day. There, I told you I’d do it more justice in a minute. 🙂
Quite interestingly, I wrote the following bit almost a year ago when I went on a retreat by myself and did a lot of searching within, which included asking myself what it was I was looking for in another person. This is what I wrote (and it’s amazing how true it still is):
“….someone who is comfortable in his own skin. Someone who has that “magic dust” you can’t put your finger on. It’s an energy thing, a feeling thing, and it’s not something I can totally quantify or put into words or on paper. It’s just a certain connection I’m looking for with a similar soul. It’s extremely rare to find. I have only ever known a small handful of people like that, and most of the time they aren’t available for one reason or another.
If I ever find the perfect sidekick, it’ll be someone who knows who he is, and is simply content that way; someone who genuinely wants to share who we are with each other- someone who isn’t just trying to fill a void that is missing in his other relationships. I’m not a stand-in. I’m not a back-up plan.
Where I’ve missed the boat in the past is with people who show a great deal of interest on the surface (and who initially seem to have character and substance, those sly devils), but then it quickly deteriorates into something superficial, and inevitably the effort/substance/connection just isn’t there. I keep finding the same (lack of quality) intentions with nearly everyone I meet. It’s quite disappointing how shallow and selfish people sometimes turn out to be.
I know some people are very happy being by themselves. But I have always been someone who likes to share my life with people who matter to me. It’s a total cliche, but I have a ton of love in my heart, and I want to love someone openly, endlessly, purely. I am not this cynical, fearful, anxiety-laden person- but when fear creeps in, it stems from being afraid I’ll never find that deeper connection with someone who will love me back the same way- with purity, passion and admiration. It’s a great deal to hope for. It would be a complete treasure to find.”
Well, well, well….It’s good to go back and read that and realize the bar is still set in the same place a year later. I believe that somewhere out there is a person whose warmth and light feels like it completes my circle when it’s near me. Someone I could curl up next to at night and feel content, whole, full. Peaceful. I want to find someone who loves me simply because they can’t imagine it any other way. I know that it doesn’t take another person to make me whole, but lately my heart feels wasted. And for people like me- people who cherish relationships with others- to lack that kind of love feels like an empty hollow in my chest. Simply because it’s there to give.