ledge

the edge

“Come to the edge,” he said. “But we are afraid,” they said. “Come to the edge,” he said…They did. He pushed them. And they flew.

What does it feel like at the edge?

Sometimes it takes being pushed to discover whether or not we are going to fly. For the last few months I have felt something approaching…something drawing near. I didn’t know what, only that something was coming, and that before too long it would show itself. And it seems as though it has.

I’m at the edge. I want to fly…but I’m afraid of what happens after I leap. I hesitate because of where I’ve been…because I’ve created patterns for myself, like most of us do. At times it’s like being stuck in a revolving door, seeing the same things repeatedly even if the scenery changes temporarily. Back and forth. Round and round. Again…and again…and again.

But now I’m at the edge. I’m standing there, not yet daring enough to lean over, but taking in the view from up here. When we are at the edge, it’s nearly impossible to feel safe. And unfortunately when we look back we second guess ourselves. Looking back through the hazy lens of distance, we see things from a distorted perspective, at times not remembering things as they really were. And we feel a mixed bag of emotions. Guilt. Remorse. Sadness. At times, nostalgia. But we can’t go back.

Sometimes I feel afraid. Sometimes I feel a quiet peace. Sometimes I feel nothing. Sometimes I feel hopeful. And sometimes it just aches. The hollow aching that comes from love, pain, disappointment, regret, anger…exhaustion. But just beyond that ache is a deep, yet cautiously optimistic longing for something bigger than the hurt- something made up of all of the good pieces of the past that I’ve tucked into my pocket and taken with me- something I have yet to fully experience that I know is out there. That’s why I’ve come to the edge- I don’t know what it is exactly, or how far I will have to fall before I start to fly, but I’m curious, and for once I believe that whatever it is, is within my reach.  Maybe- just maybe- there is something out there I am meant to discover… if I am brave enough to take the leap.

 

 

2 thoughts on “the edge

  1. Kate … one of my favorite sayings is from Ray Bradbury … “courage is jumping off the cliff and growing your wings on the way down.” Sounds absurd at first, but we actually all do it all the time …going off to college, getting married, having children. But not all of us doing with the “intention” of growing wings.

    Loved this post.

    1. Thanks for reading! Love that Bradbury quote; what a great way to look at the unknown. It reminds me of another quote I love by Louisa May Alcott: “I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.” Even though this one has more to do with challenges than the unknown, it still smacks of a certain bravery in tackling things that are unpredictable.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *